In our final installment of “Sarah Palin’s Alaska,” we learn the ultimate lesson: Sarah Palin always wins. Period. It doesn’t matter if you’re her dad or her young Palin spawn. She will beat you. Also, danger is everywhere in Sarah Palin’s Alaska. And also, seals make great accessories.
Sarah explains that when you grow up in Wasilla, your family is your social life. Obviously, this is because the others are not to be trusted. Next up on the Palin social agenda: “party time” at the reindeer farm. Why not? Reindeer are cute. They have furry antlers.
Then, from out of the inky shadows, the Cliff Clavin of Alaska steps in. Did you know that reindeers don’t have top teeth? Did you know that moose are mean and dangerous? Luckily, these particular moose are lovers, not fighters. Did you know that a grown man will make out with a moose if there’s a camera nearby? Sarah won’t kiss the moose, but – surprise (?) – Willow will. These are the chances you have to take when you’re a teenager in Wasilla and your family is your social life. But she basically gives the carrot away to the moose. I thought she learned from Bristol that this is not the recommended approach.
The bulk of the episode features my second-favorite Palin, Piper, who gets to prospect for gold with her cousin Kier, Sarah, Sarah’s brother and some other riff-raff. But first the whole tribe goes kayaking at the base of a glacier. We all know that any activity Sarah engages in with her children is potentially dangerous, and iceberg kayaking is no exception. Sarah warns Piper of the myriad dangers, including hitting an iceberg, but what’s more important is that they stay out of the “fall zone.” Piper likes the part where they don’t get hit with ice shrapnel.
Then, just like the olde tyme prospectors of yore, the family disembarks the kayaks to walk on the ice itself, which is, of course, dangerous. Luckily everyone survives. To shake off their nerves, Sarah races Piper in her kayak and gives herself a hearty congratulations for beating a nine year-old.
Self-esteem intact, Sarah takes everyone to Valdez to see other natural wonders, like harbor seals (sulls) and the oil pipeline. Aren’t sulls majestic creatures? Sarah notes that has a beautiful sullskin purse, and conservationists everywhere cheer at this ingenious use of resources. One must be careful, however, not to run over sulls with your boat because their use as accessories will be limited to child gun holsters and purses to hold your teeth collection. During this portion of the program, we learn that Captain America Todd Palin used to work in the oil industry, as do lots of Alaskans. Is there anything this man cannot do?
It’s time to move on, though, so they load up the private plane and head to Nome, where the actual gold prospecting will take place. They want to give Sarah’s mom a gold anniversary gift made with gold they find themselves, so the first stop is the Cripple River Mining Camp. Can you sense the impending doom?!
Sarah’s ready to compete again to see who will get the most gold. “Somehow,” Sarah says, the family’s always competing. I can’t imagine how that happens, can you? However will they find any gold, though? I mean, Grandpa’s deaf, Uncle’s color-blind, and Piper’s wild. “And you’re crazy,” says Piper to Sarah, securing her spot as #2 Palin. Piper declares that the gold she finds is hers and that she’s going to sell it on eBay for “something-thousand.” Capitalism! Sarah again wins the contest for most gold found. But it wasn’t enough for the fabulous jewels they have planned for Sarah’s mom, so they have to go out and dredge it up the next day.
Obviously, this type of underwater mining is dangerous, so the kids stay behind with Grandpa. It’s so dangerous that Sarah sends her brother underwater rather than volunteering herself. They say a prayer to have “a safe day on the bottom.” The water, Sarah explains to the class, is very cold. It’s a good thing the kids are back on shore, because there’s a lot of pumping and sucking and things getting stuck in the box. Then there’s more exposition on how dangerous it is and how anything could go wrong at any time. Thankfully, Sarah’s brother emerges alive.
Back on land, Piper’s over all of this social time with the family. Sarah, however, can’t get enough. “I love musk-ox,” says Sarah. She thinks how the musk-ox surround their young’uns when threatened is how “we should be as a society.” Sarah figures they’ll probably spook them if they walk any closer, so of course they walk closer. And then they whisper a little bit and walk even closer. And then closer. The musk-ox flee. “I full like we’re on an African safari,” says Sarah.
Wrapping up their adventures, they head out to an air show to watch and take pictures with the Blue Angels. Did you know that one in 80 Alaskans have a private pilot’s license? Then it will not surprise you to learn that Alpha Male Specimen Todd Palin also has one. The family successfully avoids the continuous threat that a plane could fall on one of them in this dangerous place known as Alaska.
Sarah somehow convinced Piper to turn over her gold to make the jewelry for Sarah’s mom (and dad!) for their 50th anniversary. They make their mom a bear ring and a plaque with a dall sheep on it for dad. But when it’s time to actually melt the gold at the gold shoppe, Sarah makes Piper back off so she can do it. She’s confident that Piper learned an important lesson from this day. “She learned that in Alaska, when giving a gift, you don’t always need to go to a store, you just need to get outdoors.” So true! “Isn’t that special?” says Sarah’s mom.
The next hour of the show was supposed to feature “unaired footage,” but outside of shots of Piper acting like a, well, nine year-old and Sarah’s Adventures in Taxidermy, the rest of the hour was spent recapping what happened all season long. Which, of course, I’ve already done for you. It was dangerous, no doubt. But in Sarah Palin’s Alaska, exposing people to things other people might find “repulsive” or “offensive” or “crazy” is what’s expected. Just do them outdoors.