If Trump can’t buy Greenland, why not Italy or Vietnam?

Donald Trump wants to buy Greenland.

When I heard that last week I chuckled and thought: “What the freak is that all about?” Only I didn’t use the word “freak.” I used the word that appears in newspapers as F, dot, dot, dot.

Buy Greenland? That’s nuts!

But while most people are tearing down the idea, I’ve decided to predict how it just might work.

The first thing you need to know is that nobody ever accepts the first offer. Any company that ever got acquired said “no” the first time. It’s in the Mergers and Acquisition Handbook, Chapter One — “Say no to the first offer, appear annoyed and prepare to negotiate.”

It shouldn’t be any different when you buy a country. So Trump shouldn’t be discouraged by the fact that Greenlanders — or whatever they call themselves — said “no thanks” in no uncertain terms to his bold proposal. And when Denmark, which lords over Greenland, had a similar response, Trump probably realized that negotiations were right around the corner.

Trump did the right thing by canceling a trip to Denmark. That’s a great negotiating tactic. Chapter Two of the Handbook: “The prospective buyer should appear offended when snubbed.”

You might not realize this but Trump dabbled in corporate acquisitions back in the 1980s when “corporate raiders” were the rage. The only thing is, he never really went through with buying any of the companies that he was rumored to have purchased large stakes in.

He seemed to lose interest once the targeted company’s stock rose and he had a profit.

But my point is: Trump knows his way around corporate purchases, so why not the acquisition of a country? It’s just like buying a very big company with lots of workers and plenty of assets.

But here’s the thing: What happens when the Russians decide to “buy” Cuba? Or the Chinese decide they’d like to “own” the Dominican Republic, or some other country that is dangerously close to the US.

And let’s not forget that Jeffrey Epstein’s Caribbean island is up for grabs. Epstein won’t be hanging around there anymore, and I don’t mean to be punny.

Some country hostile to the US might like to own that perverse place. I’m thinking North Korea’s Kim Jong Un could have his sights on that island, and he probably has the bitcoin to do the deal.

I probably shouldn’t put that part in the column because I think Putin gets The Post delivered to the Kremlin, and Kim is probably hacking my computer as I’m writing. I don’t want to give them any ideas.

I put the world “buy” and “own” in parenthesis because no money really needs to change hands in deals like these. Countries have the ability to do what mergers and acquisition specialists on Wall Street call “hostile takeovers.”

And if you didn’t know how that phrase might apply to taking over a country just read up on your history of World War II.

OK, let’s get back to helping Trump fulfill his Greenland dream.

Sometimes in deals like this you have to make a bolder move, so you can ratchet back during renegotiations to a more sensible alternative.

Like what? Trump should make an offer to acquire Denmark.

And when the Danes stop choking on their Frikadellers (those are meatballs for those of you without quick access to Wikipedia), then Trump can bring up in a counteroffer that he’d settle for just Greenland.

The Danes might not be so hard-nosed about handing over Greenland at that point.

And the US doesn’t really have to change Greenland much. No, we can purchase the country through what Wall Street calls a “sale/lease back” agreement.

It goes like this: The US purchases Greenland, but we lease the country back to the Greenlanders.

Nobody would have to move. We’d just put in a few Starbucks and McDonald’s and hoist a few flags so the world would know the country was now part of America.

And the Greenlanders can go about their ice fishing and dog sledding without interruption.

But would it be wrong of me to say that I think President Trump is being a little too timid in his plans?

After all, why did he pick Greenland? There are so many other countries that might actually want to be purchased by the US.

For instance, what about Italy? Good food, beautiful land. People talk with their hands, so there won’t be a language barrier. And most importantly, it would give the US a strong position in the European Union.

And since Italy is having a lot of financial troubles — something the US knows a bit about — we can probably get the country for a steal.

Or, how about Vietnam? We could have had it in the ’60s, but that hostile takeover didn’t work out as planned. And Vietnam has made a comeback without our help. Owning it would certainly help Trump get leverage over the Chinese. There would be no trade war if all US companies moved their Asian operations to American-owned Vietnam.

And wouldn’t it be the ultimate irony if a capitalist country — the US — got to purchase a communist country — Vietnam — after failing a hostile takeover. Long odds on that one.

That would be one for the books and the bookies.

Maybe a little place in Africa would suit Trump’s needs.

Ah, so many nice places in the world to buy! Trump is probably calling his realtor right now.