From the Biggest A–hole to the Most Selfish Nominee: My uncensored Oscars awards

After The Slap that was heard around the world, I imagine that success for the producers of this year’s Oscars looked exactly like what went down: uneventful, safer than a deposit account at Silicon Valley Bank, and devoid of physical violence.

Host Jimmy Kimmel set the tone for the 95th Academy Awards with an opening monologue so warm, cuddly, and dripping in sycophantic saccharine toward the star-studded audience, it would make Ricky Gervais self-immolate from shame if he’d ever had to read it out.

But Kimmel’s feather-stroking performance served its primary purpose of resetting Hollywood’s biggest night as a fist-free festival of joyful movie celebration rather than an unscripted UFC bout.

Here, then, are my own Uncensored Oscars:

Biggest A-list A–hole:

Hugh Grant’s pathetically juvenile antics on the red carpet, where he seemed to delight in humiliating interviewer Ashley Graham by reluctantly spitting out glib, surly answers to all her questions, confirmed his status as the world’s worst thespian douchebag.

If you don’t want to speak to the media, why the hell walk down the longest red carpet in show business?

When Kimmel joked, “If anyone in this theater commits an act of violence at any point during the show, you will be awarded the Oscar for best actor and permitted to give a 19-minute-long speech,” I can’t have been the only viewer quietly hoping Will Smith might storm in again and whack Grant in his self-satisfied scrotum.

Donald Trump Award for Sore Loser:

Angela Bassett looked like she was glugging a vinegar bottle when she heard she’d lost the Best Supporting Actress to Jamie Lee Curtis. Bassett’s abject failure to even pretend to be gracious wasn’t the best ad for her acting skills.

Most Heartwarming Moment:

Not since Roberto Benigni clambered ecstatically over the chairs have I felt quite as pleased for a winner as I did for “Everything Everywhere All at Once” star Ke Huy Quan, whose emotional speech about coming to the United States as a refugee and now living the American Dream brought a lump to my awards-weary throat.

Most Annoying Animal:

Cocaine Bear already irritated the hell out of me on stage, but when it started harassing Malala Yousafzi, I wanted it euthanized live on air.

Least Annoying Animal:

Jenny the donkey from “The Banshees of Inisherin” got a huge ovation for not uttering a single word. Yes, a mute mule got more applause than most of the overly verbose winners.

Saddest Speech:

Tearful John Travolta never mentioned “Grease” co-star Olivia Newton-John’s name in his introduction to the In Memoriam tribute, but he didn’t need to. We all knew whom he was talking about when he said: “They’ve touched our hearts, they’ve made us smile, and became dear friends who we will always remain hopelessly devoted to.”

Best Zinger:

I loved Best Actress winner Michelle Yeoh’s jibe at CNN’s sexist Don Lemon: “Ladies, don’t let anyone tell you you are ever past your prime.” Especially knowing that somewhere, dinosaur Don was watching, and spontaneously suffocating from mortification. 

Most Disappointing Dress-Down:

Lady Gaga looked fabulously glamorous sitting in the crowd, then inexplicably ditched her dazzling makeup, stunning dress, and glittering diamonds to perform her “Top Gun: Maverick” song “Hold My Hand” looking like an impoverished busker.

She sang it beautifully, but c’mon, m’Lady, it’s the Oscars, not Thursday night karaoke at the local senior center. 

Most Selfish Nominee:

A singer named Tems (nope, me neither) sat in the audience wearing a gigantic white curtain around and above her head that meant nobody in the 30 rows behind her could see the stage.

I’d have scissored it to pieces if I finally snagged an Oscars seat and she pulled that eclipse stunt on me.

Least Appropriate Partygoer:

Justin Bieber just canceled the rest of his Justice world tour, citing “health issues,” so what was he doing sneaking into the Vanity Fair after-party wearing a multi-colored blanket?

The What the F–k Were They Thinking? fashion award:

Sorry, ladies, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a worse collection of dresses than last night.

From all the top designers had either gone on strike or secretly hate their clients.

Missed Opportunity award:

Kimmel quipped that the audience looked so great, they must all be on the new “miracle” diet drug Ozempic.

If only they could have used it to trim down the length of the show, which ran over three and a half hours.

“It kind of makes you miss the slapping a little bit, right?” mused Kimmel at one point, as our eyelids began to clamp again. Yes, it did.

Steve McQueen Great Escape award:

Glenn Close, who caught COVID so couldn’t attend the ceremony.