Art of the refusal: How to tactfully decline a wedding invite

It’s said that only people who hate their friends and family have a destination wedding. “While most of the conversations on wedding finance focus on the couple hosting the wedding, a large percentage of the overall spend of any wedding falls to the guests attending,” said Vijay Goel, co-owner, 440 Elm by Bite Catering Couture in Los Angeles.

Still, “with some strategic planning,” it’s possible to attend without going broke, said wedding industry pros like Emily Reno, owner of Elopement Las Vegas. “And if it doesn’t work with your financial situation, it’s absolutely OK to politely decline.”

Ahead, the art of the wedding guest pushback and tips for saving moolah.

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Just say no

It’s fine to decline a wedding invitation or skip out on, say, a bachelor shindig to Breckenridge, Colo., for a ski weekend you can’t afford.

Reno has seen it all when it comes to guests backing out on wedding and wedding-related events and obligations.

“One thing I’ve learned: Guests need to take a moment to assess their finances, work commitments and family situations before saying yes to everything,” she said.

The earlier you can give a couple a clear answer, the better. “Couples are much more understanding when someone is up-front about their situation,” she continued, adding that what’s really tough is when someone cancels last minute, especially after the couple has paid for your spot or planned around you being involved. Don’t be that person.

These guidelines also apply to being a not-so-merry maid or groomsman — especially if you have to buy an expensive suit or dress you’ll never wear again.

“If it doesn’t work with your financial situation, it’s absolutely OK to politely decline.”

Emily Reno, owner of Elopement Las Vegas

“Being a member of a wedding party, especially the maid of honor, is a substantial commitment above and beyond that of the attending guest,” said Goel, who advised on honesty as the best policy. “Saying that while you would love to be a part of this and are honored to be included, the time and/or financial commitment requires more than you are capable of at this time,” he suggested. “Especially for larger wedding parties, it may make things easier for the couple and create a much lower barrier for you enjoying the wedding itself.”

Consider the couple

Do that in all aspects of etiquette when it comes to pushing back as a wedding guest.

“My biggest piece of advice is to pick your battles — if you have to apply a ‘no’ approach to a few areas, like an expensive gift, make sure you focus thoughtfully on the ‘yes’ in a way that you know the couple would appreciate,” counseled Sarah Mastriano, founder of A Lovely Universe Events in Monmouth County, NJ.

For example, Mastriano says if the pair’s “love language” is gifting, focus there. If it’s quality time, maybe choose to save for the bachelorette trip instead, or edit your itinerary to what you can afford for their wedding weekend. “If your relationship with the couple is healthy, they will understand and want you to feel comfortable, especially financially,” the wedding guru said.

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Get savvy with savings

The ramp-up to weddings — from bachelor and bachelorette parties to bridal showers to engagement fêtes — can be pricey, and you haven’t even made it to the main attraction yet. New York City-based finance VP Jennifer Mason, 40, got thrifty by earning back nearly half of what she spent on bridesmaid-related purchases for her sister’s wedding by using Rakuten, a cash-back and shopping rewards company.

When she was planning her sister’s bachelorette party in Mexico, she used the cash-back rewards program to shop for accommodations and flights for the group on Expedia.

In total, “I earned over $600, which was half of the total cost for my portion of the trip,” she said.

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To save on bachelor and bachelorette parties, book your travel for off-peak times, or opt to stay for only a portion of the celebration.

For out-of-town weddings, travel and accommodations tend to be the top drivers of financial spending, said Goel, with a plus one multiplying that cost. For anyone not in a serious relationship, Goel recommends leaving your would-be date at home. It opens up so many ways to spend more time focused on family and friends in a way that also can significantly reduce costs (i.e., doubling up with a friend at a hotel, entertainment and dining outside the wedding, direct travel expenses).

As for a budget-friendly gift, Reno coaches guests to get creative. “A thoughtful, personal present can mean far more than a generic item from a department store,” said the elopement pro, who has seen guests make custom memory books, create framed artwork with the couple’s vows or even gift a meaningful experience rather than purchasing something off a registry.

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Quit complaining

A final word for the wise from Mastriano: “Whenever you may be under-participating in someone’s wedding, keep the internal conversation and stress that may be going on in your head to yourself,” she said.

“No bride or groom wants to hear their guests’ stress directly to them — it only adds to their already stressful plate, and that’s worse than skipping an elaborate trip or saying no to a wedding weekend activity,” she said.